mommy wars!

This is a topic that has driven me nuts forever. Why as mother's do we feel the need to put each other down? Judging how we parent? Judging mother's for staying home or working outside the home? Hell, to say how your child came to you is better then someone else??? Really??? Where is the solidarity? Where is the "nurturing" of one another?

This really came about when 9 yrs ago my best friend had an emergency c-section around the same time that K came home. People were weird about K, not knowing what to do or say, but for the most part they were kind, at first. Not to A. She had an emergency c-section, her son was in the NICU and other woman had the nerve...the fucking nerve to tell her they were "sorry" she didn't give birth??? What the what? Not sorry that her son was in the NICU, not that she was sick as a fucking dog...NO, they were "sorry" she had not given birth. That unless he flew out her vajayjay she was less than, not a "real" mother. Let me tell you, she is a mother she is what motherhood is, she put her child's well being FIRST.

This is when I realized that there was this fucked up competition that I had became part of, that I wanted nothing to do with! Why? Why are mother's trying so hard to one up one another? It has been something I have struggled with for years. To meet these new women and they wear their judgments like badges on their sleeves.

A few years ago, after S was born at 5 weeks early and under 4 pounds. I was standing in the driveway playing with the kids and wonderful neighbor walked up with a "friend" of hers. We were talking and all of a sudden she, the "friend", starts ranting about how formula is "poison", that no one should give their child formula...breast is best...unless you want to, "fuck up your baby". HUH??? I was polite...and ignored her. The person who didn't ignore her was K. She was freaked out. "Mama, we can't give S formula, she will die...what are we going to give her?? I don't want her to have poison!!!". I had to explain that some people where crazy, like Rudy who collects cans, only some people bathe and wear clean clothes but, they can still be crazy. :)

Then there is J who had her daughter 13 yrs ago and her daughter too was in the NICU. She had the best term for the women who were relentless, cruel and down right wrong, as they berated her for not being able to breast feed. She named them the, "tit nazis". It was their way or you were out. Out of the mom club, you had failed.

I know women who have had home births, hospital births, adopted, breast fed, formula fed, only fed goat's milk. I have friends who work away from the home, work in the home and stay at home with the kids. Why do we have to put each others choices for our families up for debate? None of these choices are better than the other, they are made for each person's family.

There is no handbook for parenting, ok there are about 50000000000. And guess what, unless you have raised a child to adulthood and they are parents themselves, you can't have a, "philosophy". You know why? Because no two children are the same, not even siblings. And if you hang your hat on one way, you are doing what is best for you. Not your child. Children's needs and minds grow and change, therefore so should your philosophy. We need one another to talk to. To say this was working and now it's not! For others to say, "I KNOW!", and laugh with us.

I have 5 kids that are all parented differently, they are different kids they have different needs. I know for me, if I stuck to one "way", I would be doing it for ME. Not my kids. And they are the reason we are in this club to begin with, aren't they?

So please. Before you speculate, before you judge remember..."it's not about YOU".