do you think about giving?

Hello!

I've been at Girl Scout training and a kick ass dance party for the last couple of days, the dance party was only one evening, but it was soooo much fun it took time to recover :)

Any-hoo, I wanted to start out the week with some great organizations that you may not know anything about. The holiday season is coming down on us like hurricane of "buy! buy! sale! sale!", and I thought I could use this forum to let you (all 17 of you!!) know about organizations that are out there that actually do what we talk about doing. Check them out and you'll see how easy it is to change the battle cry this season to, "GIVE GIVE GIVE!!!!"

http://www.charitywater.org/

http://mare.org

http://www.heifer.org/

http://www.holtinternational.org/

http://www.kalamazooahp.org/calendar/hhaw

http://www.kzoogospel.org/

For those of you that are strapped this season and think you have nothing to give. Look in your cupboards and I am sure you have a box of mac and cheese or a can of tuna that any area food bank would be happy to have.

Change starts with one little choice...

2 yrs later...

I just have to say, I am having a great time writing this! Thank you guys (all 17 of you! woot!) for taking the time to read it :)

Buzzing right along.

After Kayleigh was born we said we would like to adopt again. Given that it can take years for a birthmother to choose you we thought, hell, let's reapply as soon as we can. Why not?

Here's a little something you may not know. When adopting you can not apply to adopt again until the child is over 1 yr of age and the first adoption is finalized. Kayleigh was born April 23rd, her adoption was finalized on Dec 22...so, on her 1st birthday we threw our hat, aka application, back into the pool. And waited.

We kept in contact with Frannie, meeting for lunch, she came over, we called one another. We were there when she got married. And were there when she moved down south to be with her husband's family.

We kept in contact through calling, letters and pictures.

Then one day...she called.

We were chatting away when she mentioned that she was pregnant, her husband had left her...she didn't want to parent...she asked if we would be interested in adopting this baby. We asked, "Is this is your choice?", she said, "Yes."

Now, the romantic stuff.

we called the social workers. When adopting you have to make sure that everything is up and up. That all parties are on board with the choices. That all decisions were made with a clear head and all choices for the birthmother were offered, that every avenue was shown to her to parent this child. She made the choice to come to Michigan to give birth, that choice was given to her by her social worker. Another piece of information, there are at least two social workers for each adoption, one for the adoptive family and one for the birthmother. Each social worker works only with their people. And they take their job a hell of a lot more serious than anyone working that I know.

Now, for those of you that think that we "did" something for her to choose us again, that this was not her choice. This is where I call bullshit on your shit :)

She was 9 months pregnant and got on a Greyhound bus to come from Kentucky to Ann Arbor. She called us and asked if we were interested in adopting the baby. She called her social worker. She called her family. She made the choice. She could have changed her mind after she gave birth up to 90 days after she gave birth.

This was her choice.

In fact, we had no control over the situation what so ever. In the state of Michigan an adoption can be nullified if you ask to adopt a child, an adoption can be nullified if money changes hands...even $5.00, an adoption can be nullified if all avenues of parenting are not shown to the birthmother. So, NO we did nothing, but answer the phone.

And I make no apologies for that.

Two weeks later on, July 2, 2004 we got a phone call at 5 am.

When we got to the hospital Frannie's parents were there. Her mom gave me a hug, grabbed my hand and dragged me into the delivery room. She told me to grab a leg and I watched my sweet boy being born...just like that. He flew into the world yelling as soon as his head was out! Frannie's mom laughed and said he was a fighter :). Frannie said she was hungry!

And like that,

our family...grew by one.

K's story...

Every child has their story and K loves her story! She loves it so much that she knows it by heart and still at the age of nine when I sing the song I wrote for her when she was born she will take my hand, put it against her cheek and lay on her pillow (she has done this since she was a baby), she looks up at me with those beautiful brown almond shaped eyes and says,

"Mama, tell me my story..."

and I do.

(This version has swearing. As you know I never swear in front of my children and is more indepth)

It was April 22, 2002, my sister Boopie was in town for a conference and staying with us (God works in crazy ways). We all went to bed like normal and at 5:15am the the phone rang...Kevin grabbed the phone and it went flying, no shit. It flew up in the air and when he finally got a hold of it to say, "hello", the line was dead...FUUUUUCCCCCKKKK. We both knew that it was the hospital calling for Frannie or Frannie saying she was at the hospital or somebody calling to say something...something that had to do with a baby girl!

We waited, got dressed, stared at the phone...then at 5:25 am it rang again (you will never know how long that 10 min was!!!) Kevin answered and a nurse told him that Frannie had given birth and she wanted us to come to the hospital!!

We arrived in the hospital in a fog...we checked in with the nurses station, showed id and were given wrist bands. Then we went to Frannie's room and knocked on the door. We walked in and she was sitting in bed holding the most beautiful baby I have ever seen...I couldn't even see her face, she was glowing.

I have to take a moment to explain something here. We were non-people...non-parents...no rights, we were nothing. If Frannie would have said, "get them out of here" or "I've changed my mind". We would have walked out of the room and that would have been that. Prospective adoptive parents give up ALL control.

Back to the story :)

She held onto the baby as we talked, asking how she was and such...I never asked to hold the baby, it was not my place. She asked me to call her social worker and I went out into the hall to make the call, when I came back, Kevin was holding the baby...tears in his eyes...holding this little pink bundle...I stood there, staring when Frannie said, "Do you want to hold her?"...all I could do was nod and take her in my arms...she was amazing...Frannie was amazing...she was laughing and joking with Kevin...she asked for the baby back...I handed her back...a nurse came in to check Frannie and she asked us to to leave so she could rest and to come back later...we did...it was a dream...I kissed Frannie on the head and asked if I could kiss the baby...she said yes!

We went back and saw them again, we brought her lunch, every time her family was there or her friends, all holding the baby...I would ask if I could hold her and they would all watch me...I fed the baby and they watched...her aunt judged...We didn't stay long any of our visits. Frannie was spending time with the baby and this I knew in my heart was needed.

On April 24th we came to the hospital, the baby was being released and so was Frannie. We had planned in our earlier conversations to have a "handing over ceremony". This is one of the hardest things I have ever been a part of. In our situation the reverend for the hospital came and talked to Frannie the night before and she was leading the ceremony. I had brought three different outfits for Frannie to choose from so she could dress the baby, she wanted us to do this together, she will never know what that meant to me. Frannie held the baby as the reverend spoke of love and loss...of families...she asked Frannie what the baby's name was. "Kayleigh Marie Liberty May __________", this was the name we had decided on "together", two names from each of us, blended together forever...just like us. Then...Frannie walked over and put Kayleigh in my arms...we cried...we hugged...we thanked one another...we cried more...we hugged more...we finally smiled.

Frannie left with her family. And for the first time...we were alone with our daughter...no one...just us...sitting on a hospital bed, crying...crying for the gift that we were just given...crying for the Frannie...crying for it all.

Then a nurse came in, in your life if you are lucky you meet people, people who are put on this earth by God. She smiled at us, asked if we had a camera...and took the first picture of our family...

now what? attack of lannie and monnie!

Ok, we were chosen by a birthmother on March 23, 2002. The same day that Kevin's niece was born :). She was due to give birth a month later.

We kept in contact with Frannie with phone calls and lunch dates. We learned more and more about each other and it started growing a relationship. It was starting to be "normal".

We still hadn't done a thing for the nursery...we were chosen, but we hadn't purchased anything except this green frog stuffed animal that we purchased when we decided to adopt. That was it!

Two weeks before our birthmom gave birth, we still had nothing. Really, ask my friends Lannie and Monnie...they decided to kidnap me and take me to Babies R Us. What follows is a true story, no names have been changed to protect the kidnappers, they know who they are and I am sure they remember this as well as I do...I came out of this experience a changed woman. The gift that these two gave me that day is something I will never be able to repay. They gave me the gift of believing, believing I was going to be a mom and all I needed was an ass load of baby shit and two friends by my side.

You are probably wondering where my wonderful husband was...well, working his ass off. He was trying to get as much work done so that he could take two full weeks off from work, that was the greatest thing for us. To know that he would be there worry/stress free for two weeks was wonderful.

Back to the kidnapping. They showed up and informed me that they had decided I needed to get my ass in gear and act like we were having a baby! Off we went, no drinks, no drugs, stone sober and terrified I was dragged to the store all the while wondering what I would do with all the shit they were going to make me buy if the adoption did not happen. When we got to the store each of them grabbed a cart...yes, I said that, TWO carts. When I asked why two carts they looked at each other and laughed!!! What the what???

As we went through the store getting baby items, bottles, suction things, blankets, washcloths, you name it. Remember, we had nothing, no baby shower, no nothing, not 9 months to plan, 4 weeks. We were still keeping this close to our hearts...wishing for it to happen, but willing to give into whatever happen. Well, they "outed" me, these two amazing women told anyone within 3 feet that we were adopting a little baby girl and that I didn't have shit at home. They were stronger than me...they were fucking machines!

And, when you get those strong personalities together...they fight! They argued over almost everything...it was comical. When they couldn't decide they grabbed one of each, if I questioned they just looked at each other then me and said, "oh honey, you'll need it!". And they were right.

We filled two shopping carts that day, ordered a crib and rocking chair. I felt like it was really going to happen and was ready to put a nursery together...I also needed a drink!

When I got home, Monnie was still with me. We grabbed some coffee...she had to drive home, when the phone rang. It was the people from the Discover card wanting to know if my card had been taken, there was and "unusually LARGE charge at Babies R Us"...

"No", I said, "We are adopting a baby girl."

the meeting...eeeek

So, we set up a meeting at the agency, us the "prospective adoptive parents" and her the "prospective birthmother".

Imagine the most nerve racking, stomach punching, want to puke, want to cry job interview you have ever had...it won't even touch this. It was like a dream. We met at 4 pm, both of us went to work and worked a half day, because what else were we going to do? I'll tell ya, we would have wondered around the house, staring at each other and become more stressed out and slightly crazy. Going to work gave us a sense of normalcy in a very "unnormal" situation.

We had written and rewritten questions for the birthmother, questions that our social worker asked us to write. She didn't give us a list or anything, we just thought up these questions and I carried around this piece of paper like the holy grail. We still have them, tucked away in K's baby book, I think we asked 2 of the 15 questions that we wrote! The social worker wanted us to have these questions to help the conversation "flow". I think 3 people besides ourselves knew we were meeting with her. Again, we were protecting ourselves from the shit storm of questions that would fly our way. We didn't have answers, so why add that stress to our lives??

We showed up at the agency and our social worker came out...we were nervous. I peed 3 times after arriving, classy I know. She told us that "Frannie" had brought some family with her for support. Great. I thought this was a smart, mature move, she needs support at this time and I was glad her family was there for her. Then the social worker told us it was her sister, mother, aunt, and grandmother. Now, i was shit balls scared...and I had to pee...

We walked into a conference room and chairs were set up in a circle. The five woman were sitting down, we made our way over. I was feeling so nervous, but felt better with the social worker there. She had done this before, she was a pro. She introduced everyone we shook hands and said hello, then...OUR SOCIAL WORKER LEFT US!!!! No shit, she said she would be back later and walked out the door...I really had to pee...

We stared at each other...and stared. Then "Frannie" said, "how do you say your last name? I've been trying to figure it out?". She gave us the gift of an ice breaker. We laughed and told her, she said she really liked our album and letter which she holding in her lap. I was trying to remember what we had put in the letter, I hadn't read it in a year! Crap!!

We talked about growing up, our families, we talked about were we worked and that I was willing to quit my job, we talked about life...the conversation started to flow. She said that she was having a baby girl! We didn't ask, I took this as a good sign :)

Then her aunt asked about religion. We are born and raised Catholic, we attend church and knew we wanted our child to be Catholic. Her family is strict southern Baptist. Her aunt started on us and called us Mary worshipers and that she didn't like the Catholic church....

Then, for the first time her grandmother spoke, "will the child have God in her life?"

We said yes

"That's good enough for me", conversation over.

The social worker came back in and asked Frannie's family to step out. We spoke, just the 3 of us and when we left she said, "I think I made a great choice".

HUH?

"I think you guys will make great parents, thanks for meeting with me."

And that was that. She had made her decision. And it was US!

Holy crap...now what???

The call!

We did our classes

We did our home study

We did our letter

We did our album

We waited for about a year

Then...

THE CALL!!

I can't remember the day of the week, I can't remember the time...I can remember that I didn't answer the phone, it was my day off and I was still in my pj's and ignoring the phone! I was working on the handbags I was selling and was in a groove...ignoring the phone. ignoring the phone! finally, I answered the phone and it was Kevin. The social worker got a hold of him at work and he had spoken to a birthmother. The birthmother that turned out to be our birthmother! Kevin was amazing, he said he was nervous but, when everyone in a situation is nervous, hell, it is such a individual situation that ours is nothing like yours and yours is nothing like ours. There is no set code, no menu, no right, no wrong.

We setup a meeting for a couple of days later.

This part was a whirl...we told a couple of people. But mainly kept it to ourselves. This is how we handled the process, we kept the information very close to our hearts. Then, if anything happen we wouldn't have to have the, "questions" from people. It worked for us and we did it with all of our adoptions. Letting it be ours, our little secret, letting the levity of the situation be absorbed into us before we shared it with others.

This was a meeting that could change our lives.

Then the, "what if's", came. They can storming in like a frat boys at a kegger. They took over.

What if she doesn't like us, what if we sound like assholes, what if she chooses us and changes her mind, what it the earth explodes before Thursday and we never get to meet her!!!

*tune in tomorrow for....The meeting....and see what happens :)*

I bet ya didn't know

S was sick Friday, not a cold, down right ER visit in the afternoon because the Dr. said that there was nothing the office could do! She ended up having a stomach thang that dehydrated her and caused a UTI...poor bug! Sitting in the ER I started thinking about when R came home.

R was a little guy and very sickly. Not something any parent wants for their child and when you adopt in MI you have the added stress of not being a "legal" parent for at least 60- 90 days, you are considered "prospective adoptive parent'' and whereever we went we had 3 legal documents that stated this tucked away in a ziploc sandwich bag. So, whenever we had to take R to the ER or a doctors appointment we had a piece of paper that the doctor had to fill out and sign, then we sent this signed paper to the social worker who sent it to the court system. Easy peasy...

Now, imagine a sick little guy in the ER at 2am...coughing, he can't breathe and having to explain you really don't know anything about his life "in the womb", and that you don't know about family history....and really you don't know anything. You look in their eyes and you are praying you have those legal documents, because they already think you stole this baby! It doesn't help that my voice goes really fast and high pitched when I am nervous and stressed. Now, picture if you will, me and R in the ER at 2am...he is sick as shit...I am freaking out and rambling on like a crack head...and when he is better, breathing I grab the nurse and say, "excuse me...can you sign this?? We need it for court". Yea...I am a responsible parent!

R's adoption was not finalized for 18 months...during that time he was going to the doctor on an average of 1-2 times a week. Sometimes they sent us right to the hospital (that means 2 forms) sometimes not. Doing the math, 4 x 18 = 72, and that is a low estimate on how many times I had to ask a doctor to fill out a form to send to the social worker to send to the court to put in R's file.

I bet ya didn't know about that!